Tuesday, May 31, 2005

It doesn't pay to be a bad ass

Christian, Christian, Christian...tsk, tsk, tsk


Whatever happened to the incredibly nice guy who stopped to talk to my brother and me outside a New York theatre after "Side Man" on a snowy Christmas Eve in 1999? He was tremendously gracious, flattered, and surprisingly really short. As we walked towards the parking lot, elated with our brush with Hollywood, my brother said, "Wow, didn't think movie stars could be that small!" We then heard a chuckle and a "Merry Christmas!" behind us. Horrified, my brother and I turned around. Christian Slater waved and continued to walk home. My mom rolled down her window to yell, "We love your movies in China, too!" Christian blushed and a merry holiday was had by all.

True story, folks. True story.

Yeah, right, Katie.

Although the title of the article is about Holmes and Cruise, notice that it focuses on Morgan Freeman instead...finally, something believable! :P


The new Hollywood physics

Is there some kind of direct link between speed and credibility that we're all missing?


Monday, May 30, 2005

And also?

What she said.


Best . . .article . . . ever

Okay, maybe not EVER, but this article brilliantly captures the only reason you should ever see Star Wars, Episodes I through III -- otherwise known as Ewan McGregor, sexy beast.


I wanted to yell the same thing

But not, obviously, for the same reason.


Yeah, but not the way you mean it.

The headline promises: Lucas brings nightmares to life.


So true. My nightmares, in order, are bad writing, bad acting, and silly costumes outside of Monty Python.

Having now seen the film itself, I will say this: It was less blatantly racist than previously.

Oh, well, then. Bravo, by all means.

A neverending narcissistic loop

Normally, I'd like to keep this a Hilton-free zone, but this particular development has both the legerdemain of Escher and the comic overtones of Abbot and Costello.


Saturday, May 28, 2005

It's called "the new thing" -- check it out.

MSNBC asks, Will the era of the superfan end with Star Wars?


This article has some priceless quotes:

“I guess the rest of will just get to know our families a little bit better,” says one mega-fan.

But, seriously, people -- diversify. And you know my position on Star Wars -- demand better.

Not that I should get too vehement. The only reason I have to live after the extended version of Return of the King came out is the merest possibility of The Hobbit.

But that's Peter Jackson, man. Back off.

Jason and the flying Winnebago

The good guy from Escape to Witch Mountain is gone. Couldn't Tony and Tia do anything?!? What else are superpowers for?


Thursday, May 26, 2005

We knew it was a matter of time

Our favorite judge, Janice Dickinson--the world's first supermodel--finally has escaped the shadow of Tyra's forehead with a new book, a TV production deal, and a spot on the next The Surreal Life. To the latter, Mean & Catty says, "Tsk, tsk. Janice, you're supposed to be the smart one! Have you not learned from Adrienne, America's First Next Top Model? Don't you remember how she threw herself at Peter Brady? Don't forget when the lecherous Mini-Me pinched her naked ass! We know you cringed as much as we did!" However, we will miss Ms. Dickinson refreshingly snappy crude ways, her beating breasts, and snarling lips. Let's take comfort knowing that Ms. Dickinson can always re-claim her spot. It's as easy as snapping a twig. (Admit it. The image of Janice Dickinson and Twiggy wrestling would rock! Janice would obliterate Twiggy in two seconds flat: one second to toy with her and the other to destroy her.)


The O Report

Special Report for Mean and Catty, Inc.:
Oprah says, "Tom, get your feet off my couch."

Oh my lord, where do I start?

There was jumping. There was also jumping up and down on Oprah's interview couch. There was arm-pumping. There were ear-to-ear grins. There was squealing. Yes, squealing. If you have not heard a grown man squeal, then you truly have not lived (or had your ears bleed).

In an effort to promote his new movie, War of the Worlds, Tom Cruise appeared on Oprah flaunting his ability to get whatever "It" girl of the moment. As Mean and Catty established in an earlier post, Katie Holmes is of "It" status. Unfortunately, our girl has fallen prey to the mega-flake that is Tom Cruise.

Like a man drunk on PR and who knows what else, Tom cavorted and out-performed himself with grade-school proclamations of how much he loves Katie (or Kate as he calls her---yeah remove the "ie" and she becomes a woman), how much they have in common and dragging the poor girl into the spotlight from her safe hiding place behind the scenes.

The most hideous moment (there were so many, but yes, there is one that trumps them all) was when Oprah, trying to maintain professional dignity as Tom left stinky footprints all over her butter yellow couch, asked about his bi-racial children. As she mentioned that War of the Worlds director Steven Spielburg and his lovely wife Kate Capshaw also had bi-racial children, Tom grabbed Oprah's knee and winked at the audience. The audience, who must've had some Scientology spiked Kool-aid, obligingly broke into schoolyard, "Oooh...aaahh..." and Tom smirked impishly, "Orpah, you said Kate's name!"

"But I meant Steve's Kate, not your Kate..." Oprah said watching Tom do five more arm pumps at her feet and one more jump onto her couch. She then surmised that saying the name "Kate" whether it refers to Tom's "love" or not is enough to send him into a tailspin. Because you know, everything is about Tom.

When all that is said and done, Tom has never looked more foolish or in love with himself. And Ms. Holmes has never looked more robotic and like a deer-caught-in-headlights. What concerns me is her haggard appearance. She's a lovely girl, but ever since she started dating Tom, she looks like death warmed over. Her skin has taken on an ashy gray color. I guess that's the price you pay for Scientology and fame, er, I mean love.

Wednesday, May 25, 2005

But how will they top the rat poison and the S&M, Violet?

The movie which taught me all I needed to know about corporate America may soon have a sequel.


One less icon left in the world

What do you say about one of the men who brought E.M. Forster into your life?


I will protect to the death your right to -- wait, what?

Yeah, I'm going to have some trouble taking this challenge to censorship as seriously as I should.

I hate it when Howard Stern makes stuff cool.

Also, I'm guessing this means Vince Neil has finally run out of reality shows to appear on.

Tuesday, May 24, 2005

Dear Capri Pants


I am as sick of you as I am of "Star Wars."


Only "Star Wars" will go away some day, and you, you will be here for another season. I feel it in my bones -- specifically in my naked, naked ankle bones.

Go away. I mean it.



Sunday, May 22, 2005

And now for something completely unserious

This is so awesome.


I'd say more, but the whole thing has reduced me to giggling like a third grader. Hee hee heeeeee.

Forgive Mira Nair anything

Turns out Mississippi Masala is the reason we have Kal Penn.


Grace-ing the Spidey sequel

I know this story was covered earlier -- but did we cover it with a link to Topher with a hot beard? I think we did not.


I mean, my God, he almost looks twenty-three in this picture.

Also, if you can manage to stumble past the photo (it took me a while), you can read a neat little summary of some news I'd caught in various other places recently, about the new X-Men movie. I know! It's not dead! (P.S. I'm still bitter, Bryan. Don't be all "But, Superman," with me, man. We had something real!)


It's the dress of which my colleague speaks.


Saturday, May 21, 2005

She's a ...what?!

The Daytime Emmy Awards was its usual part-elegance, part-folks-try-damn-too-hard, and lots of unrealistic pretty people. Among the highlights: Ellen Degeneres danced on stage when she won for Best Talk Show Host and kissed her girlfriend Portia DeRossi, which was cool. All My Children's Bianca (Eden Riegal) won Best Younger Actress, but forgot to acknowledge fellow contender All My Children's Babe Chandler (Alexa Havins). Lowlight: Sexist, Soprano-wannabe, General Hospital won Best Drama. (All My Children was ROBBED!)

But the part of the night that caused root beer to explode out of my nose:

"...Presenting tonight...Popular star who's about to get her VERY OWN TALK SHOW...Tyra Banks..."

It sounded like the announcer didn't know what or who she was. Maybe it's just me, but I would have said Tyra was a model. Because you know, she is. And it's less cringe-worthy.

Speaking of cringe-worthy, our girl wore the fugliest outfit--tight, black, stretchy, and now with wings! That's great for Maxi-pads, Tyra, but Emmy shows? Uh-uh.

Friday, May 20, 2005

At least she's honest...

Katie Holmes is, despite everything, honest about her relationship with Cruise:


To quote:
"I DON'T feel any sort of regret or anything. There was nothing wrong. I guess what I've learned is that it's OK to have big dreams and not be embarrassed or apologize for it."

You go grab that Scientology brass ring, Katie! That's it...reach....reach...

Pop Rocks

I've been persecuted for my musical tastes since time began. (Really, it's on some cave painting, "Seren has a tin ear" spelled out in little bison.)

It doesn't help that my brother's some kind of music appreciation savant. Whoever you're listening to now, he saw at a club back when they had their original name and all the original members. When he looks through my CD collection, he makes little cries of despair and disbelief, like a thousand tiny mice being tortured.

So, needless to say, it has been no small relief (and only a little bit spooky) that MeiMei and I have the strikingly similar musical tastes*. With her support, I am finally coming forward to say: Pop rocks. It does.

For those of you who have been too ashamed to admit that you once loved somebody Straight Up, Now, Baby; that for one summer you MmmBopped; that you know that you're Toxic -- come out of the shadows, my friends. Pop on, I say. Pop on.

In current rotation:



For those of you still cringing slightly in embarrassment:



*For MeiMei's sake, I claim the really dark recesses of my taste (the country music, the excessive folk, the . . . Christian rock!?!) for myself alone.

Oh, it's on Oprah?

Then it must be real.


All that's left are the inevitable announcements that she's converted to Scientology (did I miss it already?) and they've decided to adopt and they've broken up and she's . . . won an . . . Oscar. Hey, wait, a minute, maybe Katie Holmes isn't as gullible as I thought.

Positive reinforcement in a bad, bad way

Now, George will never learn. I blame you all.


Jason Lee-way

The title of this article promises more than it delivers -- or maybe my lit. crit. background had me expecting some kind of meaty, psychoanalytical, deconstructionist analysis of the upfronts. B/c, really, color me surprised that the supernatural -- no way! -- stands in and makes it acceptable for us to talk about real fears. Say. It's. Not. So.


More importantly, at the very end of the article, there's a brief description of Jason Lee in a new comedy that supposedly resembles "Raising Arizona" without the Coen brothers (by which, I fear, the journalist really means, "without the funny"). I am both heartened to see him still working and disappointed to see him perpetually underutilized. My favorite skater punk continues to dogpaddle through his career, dangit.

Ah, so FRESH!

We at Mean and Catty, Inc. are extremely flattered to the tips of our tails. The "blog that bites," Aquafortis, has called us "refreshingly snippy." (Our first review!)

In turn, we would like to acknowledge our fellow peep's own wonderful snarkiness. Her dead-on delightfully acerbic observations of the publishing world, the writing process, farting nephews, Mos Def and my favorite, Geeks Gone Wild club :=) are not to be missed. Check her out: http://aquafortis.blogspot.com/

What are you waiting for? Go! Go now!

Thursday, May 19, 2005

So long, Point Place!

Our favorite TV boyfriend, Topher Grace, has left Kelso and the gang in Point Place,WI to join Peter Parker and Mary Jane in whatever city they live in. (Is it Metropolis? Nah. Gotham? Nope. Crap! I'll give a Snickers bar to the first reader who can tell me where Spiderman lives...and Seren, put your hand down! As president, you can't participate. Sorry.)


The Parade of Pretend Continues

Oh, I so believe this relationship now. I mean, Billy Bush? You can't slip anything past that master interrogator.


Agree to disagree? I don't think so.

I've glanced at the usual sites, so I know that I'm in the minority. It's just like the hung jury I was so recently a part of. But I stuck to my verdict then; I'm sticking to it now.

Kahlen was robbed. There, I said it. I like Naima. I do. I didn't go vote for her as Cover Girl contestant of the week every week unlike the rest of America, but yes, I like her.

But I adore Kahlen. I feel about her the way I haven't felt about a contestant since first-season Elyse. I loved her commentary, minus the strangely bulky red t-shirt (and even that had an entertainment quality of its own). She was funny and honest and self-deprecating. She is probably the only ANTM contestant I'd genuinely want to meet. I like gawking at the others for the spectacles they are -- but her? I like.


I mean -- her favorite movie? "Waiting for Guffman." C'mon.

If you want to get up in my grill about "objective" things, like whose pictures were better or who walked that runway better, go ahead. Kahlen wins there, too. Don't make me quote Janice at you.

And while I'm at it, I wanted Rob and Amber to win. Yes, I did.

Housekeeping continues at the Tiffany Network

Yes, I am obsessed with CBS's lineup right now, but, look, they cancelled "Joan of Arcadia"! I've only watched about three minutes of the show, so I had no idea it was such a cloud hanging over me until Now! It's! Cancelled! and I feel free and light. Too many commercials for this show, featuring the oppressive Amber Tamblyn (you cannot say her name fast -- it requires you say it slow and dirge-like), interrupted my "Amazing Race" watching.


Wednesday, May 18, 2005

So wrong it's right

MeiMei, I'd be making plans for next Tuesday if I were over there on your coast.


Apparently, CSI: Boise's time has come.

CBS to announce 5 new dramas. You do the math.


Whose fault?

That's right, George. Blame your daughters. "And, anyway, then my daughter came up with the idea for this great character, Jar-Jar Binks . . . ."


Tuesday, May 17, 2005

Oh, right, "movie role"

I know Natalie explained her buzz cut as necessary for her upcoming role in "V for Vendetta" but I'm still standing by my prior speculations.


She said it; I didn't


Granted, I haven't seen Revenge of the Sith yet, but right now, I'll say, "Yay, you go, Hayden!"

Insert song of praise and rejoicing here


Note: this address keeps getting screwed up by the Blogger software. If you don't get transferred to the best news ever (i.e., "Arrested Development" -- back for another season!), then try going to the TV news section. Stoopid software. (I didn't mean it! I didn't mean it! Good software! Good software!)

Monday, May 16, 2005

Dr. Seaver, I presume?

Here's what honorary Mean and Catty, Inc. employee T.W. had to say about the former Dr. Seaver's new nuptials:

Don't you think there should be a law against 58-year-old men marrying 30-year-olds? Ugh!

Well said, my friend. Well said.

(Scroll down to bottom for details.)

Sunday, May 15, 2005

Revenge of the Hair Stylist?

For those of you living under a rock, the last Stars Wars movie, Revenge of the Sith, debuts May 19. Of course there are spoilers, speculations, and headlines galore surrounding the multi-billion franchise. We all want to know how Anakin succumbs to the Dark Side, thus donning the Darth Vader helmet. Among other burning questions: Why are twins Luke and Leia separated? Does Vader even know that he has a daughter (according to Stars Wars: A New Hope, not likely)? How blind were Yoda and Obi-Wan to the threat that is the Emperor? Why do some Jedi's disappear when they die and others simply crumple like mere mortals? Is there a planet full of little Yoda's running around (How freakin' cute would that be?!) Why does Mace Windu (Samuel Jackson) look so constipated when he swings his light saber?

All good questions, and hopefully they will be resolved in Revenge of the Sith. However, the biggest, most burning question in my mind is: What the hell happened to Natalie Portman, a.k.a Padme Amidala, Darth Vader's wifey-poo and absent mother of Luke and Leia Skywalker?


Did Hayden Christenson accidentally swing his light sabar too close to her head during a training session? Did Natalie suffer from heat stroke in the Tatooine desert? Is R2D2 practicing for his hair stylist license? Did the Ewoks or JarJarBinks give her space lice? (Oy, Natalie, if the latter is true, I know your pain!I got lice once, when playing seventh grade softball. We all shared the same helmet. My hair was so short and ugly that summer that I scared my dog. Not an easy feat, trust me.)

Anyone who can shed some light on this matter, please contact Mean and Catty, Inc. We cannot rest until this matter is resolved!

Gilmore and more

Aw, an article focusing on Scott Patterson.


I'm pretty sure his publicist wrote it. Because, dang, man, kick a puppy or something. "Never take rejection personally" is code for "I let the voodoo priestess I have on retainer handle it for me." I mean, really.

Also, note to the Sherman-Palladinos: Expect a dip in the ratings after last week. Lorelei entertaining a pregnancy scare, a forced vascectomy of Jackson, and Rory stealing a yacht? Would someone hit somebody with the character consistency stick soon please?

Wait, I thought all Hollywood babies had to come from Cambodia?

Am I the only one creeped out by the phrase, "Mommy and her boys are over the moon"? I didn't think so.


Chapelle Watch

Okay, Dave, I'm glad to hear you're better.


Now, where's my new season?

Btw, what's up with South Africa lately? First, "Amazing Race" spends no less than two episodes there, and every time someone said "South Africa," a montage of African dancers, white sunbathers, and zebras immediately ran. Then, "America's Next Top Model" informs the world that South Africa is an up-and-coming fashion capitol, and the world was, frankly, a little surprised to hear that, but okay. And now Dave Chapelle's taking his "spiritual retreat" there? South Africa, land of aggressive publicists. I guess somebody's seriously rebranding.

Now I can sleep nights


You really need to see it for yourself

He's not just the Jimmy Buffet of country.


He's sung duets with the man himself.


I think this is pretty much the only time I'll ever link to Jimmy Buffet. No promises, though.

I'd kill for this man's CV

In the meantime, until I get that particular contract hit out, he can just hire me.


Also, my ears perked up at the mention of his new series about ghost-hunting brothers. I guess I wasn't the only one who thought the first season of "Ghosthunters" kicked some ass. (Cough, rip-off, cough.) Look, MeiMei, another show you'll have to avoid watching!

Friday, May 13, 2005

A multitudinous response to MeiMei

1. Love that the URL contained the phrase "hot gossip." Truth in advertising in the best way.

2. Funny. Catalina was always my favorite salad dressing when I was growing up.

3. I can totally see how people would get me and Ms. Salad Dressing mixed up, because she is totally the spitting image of me. Really, it was me and Jake making out at . . . wait, where were we supposed to be again? We make out in so many public places at this point that I forget exactly where.

4. I'm really glad that the picture of Jakie shows him in one of his better suits. I don't know if you've noticed this, but Jake only owns two suits. If you don't believe me, go here, and count how many pictures have him in the same two jackets, usually with the same white shirt:


5. "Pulchritudinous"? Doesn't that sound like a bad thing? As in: Man, I had some bad clams. I feel downright pulchritudinous. (It would also have to be Jake's medieval Frankish king name: Gyllenhaal the Pulchritudinous. You'd never be sure if he was going to kiss you or bang you over the head with his mighty weapon, the Deadly Pulchritude.)

6. Shouldn't my cat have a screen name? Cats need privacy, too. (That's what she's always telling me, anyway, as in, "Seren, do you mind if I have the privacy of an entire room to myself? No, you don't mind? Okay, then leave.") How about, Mrrrrowww6758?

7. MeiMei, I am officially trolling the web for pictures of Howie Day making out with chicks other than you. Don't make me mention Matt Nathanson's WIFE.



Thursday, May 12, 2005

Jake, when will you learn?


It's a cover-up, folks. Kirsten Dunst was the first foil, now this Maria Full of Grace chickie. But I know the truth. How else do you think Seren gets her information? And she's suspiciously gone on the weekends too because of "work" ... uh, huh.

P.S. Flora! Your apple martinis RULE! Hope you were able to make it to the litter box last Saturday! Love ya like a sister! *kiss kiss*

Tuesday, May 10, 2005

No, but thanks.


Movie Stahs and Country Croonahs

Renee Zellweger and . . . the short, balding guy with the ten-gallon hat? Yes, it's true that I know who Kenny Chesney is, I know Kenny Chesney's music, I know what Kenny Chesney looks like. I admit that, a few months back, I did sit through part of a CMT special about the sexiest stars in country music, and when they listed him near the top, I initially went, Wu-huh? And then they showed a LOT of shots of him without his shirt, and I, uh, was convinced that someone could marry that chest, I mean, that Chesney.

I don't really like his music, much as I like some country music, and he strikes me as a bit of a high school jock type, which would explain the abs, and as long as I continue to focus on the torso, I can keep myself from saying aloud what runs through my head over and over: Lyle Lovett, Lyle Lovett, Lyle Lovett.

Monday, May 09, 2005

Screw NYC! I'm moving to Brazil!


Shouldn't every day be Orgasm Day?

And the last part: "I've seen scientific studies that show when a woman is unloved, when her husband can bring her to orgasm, it affects all aspects of her life, her relationships with her children, at home, with the city and at work," Santolia said.

No shit, Sherlock.

Sigh no more, Bridget Jones

Renee and who?


Oh, wait. Try this article. It may clear the confusion:


Sunday, May 08, 2005

I guess I'm not invited to the baby shower

For months, I've been meaning to warn Jennifer Garner that the Affleck stink doesn't actually wash off, and now . . .


Too late.

Blogging about an article about blogging

I'm dizzy. I need to sit down now.


Also, as a side note, Ana Marie Cox of "Wonkette" had a fashion spread in the April 2005 issue of Lucky. No, it wasn't all pajamas.

Boys do take this seriously, don't they?


Disclaimer: I am a nerd. I went to WonderCon. I liked this article.


We've been getting informal feedback about how deeply troubled you (our select and, at this point, invitation-only readers) are about Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes. It would not be exaggeration to characterize your responses as ranging from stunned disbelief to rampant disgust.

I'd just like to offer up our little blog as a community service, a Town Hall meeting, if you will, on the subject. Please, take advantage of our comment fields, and make your voices heard. It's the Internet equivalent of writing your Senator. Okay, maybe it's more like writing your town councilperson about your neighbor's dog disrespecting your lawn, but still. Holla, I say. Holla.

Maybe Katie Holmes, somewhere, is listening.

Felt it!

I digress from the M&C mission, but this woke me up this morning at 3:38 (by my clock, which is apparently 3 minutes faster than the USGS's):


This is only the third quake that I've actually felt since moving to CA, so I'm a little misty-eyed and sentimental, in the way that only a non-native can be.

(Oh, and also, please respect intellectual property law and don't be stealin' my idea for the next great craft game for children of all ages, Felt It!, which my lawyers say I shouldn't go into while the trademark is still pending, but I feel it's safe to say that it involves a lot of Elmer's glue and soggy felt. It's going to rock your world. Felt It! coming to a store near you ASAP. Hasbro? Milton Bradley? WATCH YOUR BACK, BITCHES.)

Saturday, May 07, 2005

The Creek Overflows...

In response to Seren's accurate reportage on Michelle Williams and Heath Ledger:

Oh yeah, in all the inhumanity that is Katie and Tom, I totally forgot about Michelle Williams and Heath Ledger! Their baby news came out a couple of days before Katie and Tom...again life imitates art. That Joey always knew how to screw over and steal any attention poor Jen deserved. Not even DYING got Jen the fame.

NOTE to Seren about Jakey-poo, a.k.a., movie star boyfriend: The gig is up! I know you're with him when your cat answers the phone. Don't pretend to be "surfing the Web" for your information. This is code for pillow talk with you two, isn't it? Admit it! ;)

All My Fan Fare


It's JACKSON Montgomery, you dolt. TRAVIS is his brother!

Fact-checker, you're fired!

Friday, May 06, 2005

What -- no dig at Rob and Amber?

Shockingly, an "Amazing Race" article on MSNBC not ghost-written by sore losers -- and it answers the question, "Could I love Uchenna and Joyce . . . more?" Yes. Yes, you could.


More Dawson's Drama

Okay, so this is not nearly as unsettling as Tom and (. . . must make fingers type . . .) Katie, but for some reason, I find it quite disturbing that the first time I hear about Heath Ledger and Michelle Williams dating is via a pregnancy rumor.


Oh, and also, I'd just like to set the record straight: I did not come across this story b/c I was trolling the web in a stalker-like fashion for mentions of my rob-the-cradle boyfriend, Mr. Gyllenhaal. (However, spelling his name right without double-checking is proof of the trueness of my love.)

It's just not okay. Tell me it will be okay.

Between the precarious state of "Arrested Development" and THIS, I'm close to taking my toys and going home.



Tuesday, May 03, 2005

Intervention (M&C Style)

Yeah, I've been meaning to discuss the intense. . . focus . . . of your posts, but sounds like Yu beat me to it (ha, ha, I'm here all week!). You and Defamer need to join a support group. Coverage of the Holmes-Cruise thing is pretty much nonstop over there.


Wait, am I hurting or helping by linking this? I get those two confused sometimes.

Monday, May 02, 2005

Joey Potter and the Power of IT

Yes, it's yet another post about Katie Holmes and Tom Cruise.

MSNBC has updated its story "No 'Risky Business'" which says that young Ms. Holmes intends to remain a virgin until marriage. To that I say, "HA! Ha, ha, ha, cough, ha!"

Now, I know dear readers are probably growing rather weary of the Katie Holmes posts. ("That MeiMeiLn is one obsessed puppy," as one reader has noted. Thank you, darling husband!) But I'm not ashamed. I fully admit it. I prescribe to what Television Without Pity refers to as IT: the inexplicable, unexplainable power of young starlets such as Katie Holmes whose main talent is pouting. I loved her as Joey Potter. (I plan to name my first daughter 'Joey' under the guise of naming her after my mother Josephine, but really, it's for the love of Joey Potter and all things Dawson's Creek.) I loved Katie Holmes in The Ice Storm, and The Gift (naked breasts nonwithstanding), loved her crazy short bangs and braids in Pieces of April and I loved those red cowboy boots in The Wonder Boys.

Which leads me to the point of this post. Katie Holme's power of IT is wearing off for me. I could learn to love her with Tom Cruise. Maybe. After drinking half a midori sour and wearing sunglasses. But saying she wants to remain a virgin until marriage? Um, hello? Nevermind the ultra-bland Chris Klein. I have two words for you: Joshua Jackson.


JOSHUA JACKSON. (My TV boyfriend, need I say more?)

Now, I'm not saying definitively whether Ms. Holmes is sexually active or not, but you do the math. Let's review. Josh Jackson + big acting role on Dawson's Creek as pouty heroine Joey Potter + magazine proclaimed IT status + first time away from home + first love = ????

Even a lame-o writer like me can calculate.


The joke's so bad it's good

Wait, which one?

Jury Duty: Better Than Television

Seriously, people. And you know how much I loves me some TV.

I don't know whether it's b/c I'm a writer or what, but watching the jury selection process, where everyone had to answer all these volatile personal questions, it was like CANDY, I tell you.

Or so I thought until they put me in the jury box. Then I thought, Jury duty: it's all fun and games until someone puts an eye out. Or, in this case, until they swear you in.

I knew there was a reason that I watched "Law & Order: Trial By Jury" a week ago. You know, other than being contractually obligated, as all Americans are, to watch at least 5 hours of "L&O" weekly. Originally, the reason was Scott Cohen, aka Max, who Lorelei left at the altar. (And after all those sunflowers, too. For shame! In my little world, the order goes: Luke, Max, and only then Christopher. Feel free to dispute me. In fact, please do.)

In case you were wondering what Scott's up to, he's playing a detective whose name I find inconsequential. But see pretty pictures here:


And, for right now, that's really as close to the show as I'd recommend getting. They're not giving Scott nearly enough to do (or enough words to say -- I mean, c'mon, he kept up with Lorelei once), and I do heart Bebe Neuwirth but this particular role requires none of her usual sparkle.

One episode, snap judgment? You bet.

When my trial concludes, I'm sure I'll have bones to pick re: its versimilitude, too. Sweet! More ways to be snarky!

Signing out for now,

Citizen Seren

Kiss Me, Kate ... Or, Not

Alas, poor Chris Klein. As EOnline and many other entertainment websites report, while Katie is allegedly prancing all over Rome, Chris is allegedly in some trouble with alcohol and cars.


I guess art, no matter how melodramatic, does imiate life, eh? Maybe Chris should look up Dawson Leery and see how he's faring without his "soulmate."

Or maybe Chris just needs some homemade American Pie to ease the pain...or sober up.

(You saw that coming, didn't you? The joke's so bad, it's good. C'mon, admit it.)

Sunday, May 01, 2005

Flipping Coins

I usually find that flipping coins works as well. If only the rest of the world's conflicts could be solved as simply and gracefully as "Rock, Paper, Scissors." It's good to know that Christies is practical as they are tasteful.

Yeah, that's how I make my major life decisions, too.

I can't tell whether this represents innocence or hubris, but either way -- awesome.


So no big loss, then?

Dear George,

You're not a visionary NOW. Apparently, it's called an expiration date.




South Park belongs to us all

Even to people we don't like.

And I love how, for a quote from a truly messed-up conservative POV, there's always a go-to guy from Utah.

(NY Times link will require free registration. I must say, I'll find it a little appalling if you aren't already registered.)


Ergo, I must believe. . .

This . . .


All that is wrong with the world

Tom and Nicole? Barely plausible. Tom and Penelope? Confusing. Tom and KATIE?!? If I believe this, I am required to believe anything. (I'd add more defamatory comments here, but the Blogger Terms of Use Agreement is still too fresh in my mind.)