Thursday, May 26, 2005

The O Report

Special Report for Mean and Catty, Inc.:
Oprah says, "Tom, get your feet off my couch."

Oh my lord, where do I start?

There was jumping. There was also jumping up and down on Oprah's interview couch. There was arm-pumping. There were ear-to-ear grins. There was squealing. Yes, squealing. If you have not heard a grown man squeal, then you truly have not lived (or had your ears bleed).

In an effort to promote his new movie, War of the Worlds, Tom Cruise appeared on Oprah flaunting his ability to get whatever "It" girl of the moment. As Mean and Catty established in an earlier post, Katie Holmes is of "It" status. Unfortunately, our girl has fallen prey to the mega-flake that is Tom Cruise.

Like a man drunk on PR and who knows what else, Tom cavorted and out-performed himself with grade-school proclamations of how much he loves Katie (or Kate as he calls her---yeah remove the "ie" and she becomes a woman), how much they have in common and dragging the poor girl into the spotlight from her safe hiding place behind the scenes.

The most hideous moment (there were so many, but yes, there is one that trumps them all) was when Oprah, trying to maintain professional dignity as Tom left stinky footprints all over her butter yellow couch, asked about his bi-racial children. As she mentioned that War of the Worlds director Steven Spielburg and his lovely wife Kate Capshaw also had bi-racial children, Tom grabbed Oprah's knee and winked at the audience. The audience, who must've had some Scientology spiked Kool-aid, obligingly broke into schoolyard, "Oooh...aaahh..." and Tom smirked impishly, "Orpah, you said Kate's name!"

"But I meant Steve's Kate, not your Kate..." Oprah said watching Tom do five more arm pumps at her feet and one more jump onto her couch. She then surmised that saying the name "Kate" whether it refers to Tom's "love" or not is enough to send him into a tailspin. Because you know, everything is about Tom.

When all that is said and done, Tom has never looked more foolish or in love with himself. And Ms. Holmes has never looked more robotic and like a deer-caught-in-headlights. What concerns me is her haggard appearance. She's a lovely girl, but ever since she started dating Tom, she looks like death warmed over. Her skin has taken on an ashy gray color. I guess that's the price you pay for Scientology and fame, er, I mean love.


Blogger Seren said...

Tom is the blackhole of IT. Remember how he almost made Nicole disappear? And then she broke free from his gravity field and shined so bright, even if she was a little wobbly from the freedom at first.

Thu May 26, 05:30:00 PM EDT  
Blogger Seren said...

So heart the report, btw.

Thu May 26, 05:30:00 PM EDT  

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