Mean and Catty, Inc.: August 2005

Doctor Derogatory

In a follow-up story on the blunt doctor, the prosecution's version of events allege that his conduct was less along the lines of truth-saying and more along the lines of poor deployment of a racial stereotype. (What -- does he think he's on Comedy Central?) And then there's the part where he allegedly told a woman recovering from brain surgery that her best treatment option involved a gun to the temple.

Also, turns out that the good doctor is a wee bit of a fibber on forms signed under penalty of perjury.

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/9135728/

Shout-out to the YAers in the audience

Okay, so, I know it's Lifetime. In case I'd forgotten how bad a Lifetime movie can be, I recently watched that thing with Jami Gertz (because, c'mon, Jami Gertz). Was the script puerile and obviously written by committee? Yes. Did the acting make my cat look like a thespian? Yes. Was it called Fighting the Odds, and should I have been duly warned how steep those odds were going to be? Yes. Did I nevertheless watch the whole thing from beginning to -- okay, from middle to end, since I came on it when I was flipping through channels? Yes, I did.

Regardless of how damaged my credibility now is, I'm going to recommend optimism (please see www.dictionary.com if you're confused; lord knows, I had to look it up) regarding the following:

Laurie Halse Anderson's Speak has been adapted and will be showing on Lifetime on September 5.

http://lifetimetv.com/movies/info/move3705.html

Melinda will be played by Kristen Stewart, who also played Jodie Foster's daughter in Panic Room. Did you see her diabetic near-coma? C'mon, it was awesome.

Stuntcasting

I'm trying to be all disapproving of the stuntcasting of Charlize Theron as Michael Bluth's girlfriend, but I totally cannot get past the part where they say she'll be on the show for six episodes -- the simple fact that there will be six new episodes of Arrested Development makes me squeal like a little girl who's been given glitter.

http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,167667,00.html

There's no place like the black market, there's no place like the black market

Dorothy's ruby red slippers stolen from a Minnesota museum.

http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,167648,00.html

Whore, bimbo, whore, bimbo, whore ...

http://entertainment.msn.com/movies/hotgossipc2

Heath Ledger says being paid to be a blond-haired bimbo is starting to bore him. Um, newsflash! It's starting to bore us, too, Heath!

C'mon now ...

http://abcnews.go.com/GMA/Health/story?id=1063448&page=1

A doctor in New Hampshire landed in hot water for telling his patient she was fat. Okay, I understand that's not the nicest term. Doc could have found a diplomatic way to tell his patient that if she didn't lose a few pounds, she would develop serious health problems like diabetes and heart disease. But seriously? That lady needs to get over herself. So he called you fat. It's the truth. And it's probably not the first time someone has called you that. Names hurt. But if you can be healthy and live longer, why not try it? No one said you had to be Kate Moss. (Not that anyone wants to be Kate Moss...)

Feed the world, George?

George Clooney's plans to open a luxury resort in Las Vegas dovetail nicely with his recent, StepBrad-attributed conscience-awakening. One whole floor will be set aside for political refugees -- or, wait, I'm sorry, that's just for Mr. and Mrs. Jolie and family.

http://abcnews.go.com/Entertainment/wireStory?id=1078429

Lightning bolts on back-order perhaps?

Does talking about how you don't talk about your relationship still count as talking about your relationship? Yes, Gwyneth, it does.

I'm curious: Just how smug do you have to be before God strikes you down?

http://edition.cnn.com/2005/SHOWBIZ/Movies/08/29/people.paltrow.ap/index.html

Auteur Alert!

Yeah, I mean Garrison Keillor. Who'd you think I mean?

http://edition.cnn.com/2005/SHOWBIZ/Movies/08/29/film.qa.robert.altman.ap/

Just when you think Hollywood's all about the backstabbing and the egomania and the me-first!me-first!, Altman goes and proves ya wrong. Sigh.

Hello, honey, I'm clean!

Maybe a little pre-nuptual advice from Denise Richards would be helpful in this case. I mean, I know that one's a drug addict and one's a sex/gambling addict, but both seem to have some impulse control issues. I feel the nucleus of a support group forming.

Robert Downey, Jr., marries movie producer Susan Levin.

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/9100021/

In case you thought we forgot...

...about TomKat, think again! Latest reports include minute-to-minute togetherness, wedding dress shopping, and the fact that Tom still looks like a grumpy little troll next to Katie.

http://entertainment.msn.com/movies/hotgossipc3

The continuing saga of a teen starlet on the run

More details on Scout's disappearance, reappearance, and dramatic rescue from -- meth-pushing pimps? No. A nice family who took her in because she was sleeping in the playground near their house.

I keep trying to think of mean things to say about it -- but then I have this picture of her trying to get some sleep on a slide, and I can't.

http://movies.yahoo.com/mv/news/va/20050826/112510862000.html

The police, however, have less sympathy.

http://movies.yahoo.com/mv/news/ap/20050826/112510044000.html

Casting about

Currently lounging on the 24 casting couch (and putting their feet up on the ottoman of the next season -- okay, the metaphor's dead) are a former interior designer, a former mayor's aide, and now, interestingly, a Hobbit.

http://tv.zap2it.com/tveditorial/tve_main/1,1002,271%7C97218%7C1%7C,00.html

Crowe eats trop cher crow

Russell Crowe is so very, very sorry for throwing objects at other human beings -- so sorry, he can't even disclose the settlement amount. (However, if Internet scuttlebutt is to be believed, meeellyons are involved.)

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/9078851/

Jeez, Jen, why the spazzin?

He waited until the divorce was final, after all.

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/9084856/

Well, that's one of them, anyway

The actress, Scout Compton-Taylor, after having gotten more press for her brief disappearance than for her entire acting career to this point, has been located after her schoolmates totally narc on her.

Apparently, as Dean's sister, she was taking Dean and Rory's second breakup really hard and went all fugue-state on us.

http://www.eonline.com/News/Items/0,1,17233,00.html

http://today.reuters.com/news/newsArticle.aspx?type=peopleNews&storyID=2005-08-25T175832Z_01_ROB505406_RTRIDST_0_PEOPLE-LIFE-ACTRESS-DC.XML

Not all great video games make great movies

http://www.eonline.com/News/Items/0,1,17231,00.html?fdnews

One of my favorite X-box games, Halo, is now coming to a theatre near you. While entertaining in a very shoot-them-up-watch-them-explode-use-all-kinds-of-weaponry- kind of way, there's no emotional connection nor much of a plot. I know many hard-core fans (including my husband, brother and cousin) would beg to differ, but to me, there's no character development in this video game. I simply don't care about these people and aliens other than to shoot them and squeal with delight to see their corpses fall off a cliff. Halo is primitive in that pleasurable way that video games have. It's best appeal is its social aspect, thus the Halo parties where four X-boxes are networked and 16 folks play all at once. But as a movie, it'll probably follow in the footsteps of Mortal Kombat and the like, which is sad because Mortal Kombat the video game actually had a storyline and failed miserably as a movie. Let's hope Halo has a substantial plot beyond killing the Covenant otherwise it'd be smarter to skip the movie and just play at home.

Not to be all conspiracy theory, but . . .

What the hell is going on?

Olivia Newton John's boyfriend missing, potentially overboard:

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/9070574/

Music producer missing under suspicious circumstances involving an Internet scam and two wee-hours phone messages that he's being chased by men with dogs who are trying to kill him:

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/9073949/

Teenage actress missing, presumably a runaway:

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/9070092/

Movie producer dies of heart attack, falls on his own daughter and kills her:

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/9070628/

Usually, when stuff like this happens all at once in a movie, Geiger-type aliens show up shortly thereafter.

Meant to be

How have I not met this man?! Same childhood town. Same college. And now same employer.

Daniel Dae Kim, someday I will meet you.

http://goldsea.com/Personalities/TV/tv3.html

Newsflash: Tabloids Lie!

Oh, and, yeah, Justin Timberlake didn't cheat on Cameron Diaz. And is awarded an undisclosed sum for his righteous indignation.

Following the ruling, Timberlake attacked the tabloid press. His spokesman Ken Sunshine said: “Yet again, a tabloid has been caught lying . . . Thankfully the judicial process worked, but how many cases like this will it take before these tabloids feel obligated to print the truth? Have they no shame?”

Hey, Justin, also? There is no Santa Claus.

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/9063321/

What doesn't kill me makes me . . . watch celebrities

The brain simply doesn’t realize that it’s being fooled by TV and movies, says sociologist Satoshi Kanazawa, lecturer at the London School of Economics. “Hundreds of thousands of years ago, it was impossible for someone not to know you if you knew them. And if they didn’t kill you, they were probably your friend.” Kanazawa’s research has shown that this feeling of friendship has other repercussions: People who watch more TV are more satisfied with their friendships, just as if they had more friends and socialized more frequently. Another study found that teens who keep up to date on celebrity gossip are popular, with strong social networks—the interest in pop culture indicates a healthy drive for independence from parents.

http://articles.health.msn.com/id/100108125

So, let me get this straight -- being obsessed with celebrity is irresistable because instinctual, combative of depression, and a healthy sign of rebellion?

Oh, look the copywriters at Entertainment Tonight had some spare time on their hands and wrote an article!

And, also, whoever doesn't kill me is my friend? Even my standards are higher than that.

Not yet a film -- but for how long?

The pitch is: Two FBI agents throw themselves a fake wedding that is, in fact, a bust of what is allegedly one of the more sophisticated Asian crime syndicates.

It's Miss Confidentiality meets The Wedding Crashers. Or, even better, Hot Stuff 2.

http://www.latimes.com/news/nationworld/nation/la-na-gang23aug23,0,6488363.story?track=tothtml

Danger in Disneyland

No, not another ride-related death of some obscure tourist. No, far more importantly, this involves the parking lot and a starlet named Scarlett.

The paparazzi say they were a "block" behind her car when it nicked (just nicked, we swear) the car of a mother and her two daughters. Scarlett says she was surrounded by SUVs and the flash-flash-flashing of bulbs. Something, somewhere, smells like fiction.

http://www.latimes.com/news/local/la-me-paparazzi23aug23,0,1651139.story?track=tothtml

Where I've been

To all four of our loyal readers,

I really have meant to post more, really. I knew that M&C was in the more than capable hands of Seren. But I feel as if I owe an explanation for my obvious neglect. I could say I've been working like a dog, trying to climb the corporate ladder of daytime television. I could say I've been spending what little free time I have with my un-appreciative family. I could also say I've been attending and planning such events like baby showers, bridal showers, bachelorette parties and funerals. I could say I've been a recluse.

Or I could tell you the truth.

I've been riding the subways, befriending mole people and the like. I've been sweating off three pounds a day just standing on underground subway platforms, thinking that yanking out my fingernails was preferable to this heat. But ultimately, what I've been doing is being mean and catty: pushing little old ladies out my way; stealing seats from blind/fat/or pregnant women; tripping hobos and laughing; cussing at any male who dares look at me; swimming in my community pool and finding a chunk of hair and holding it up, saying loudly while looking at the offending person, "Going bald, now are we?" and telling a size 50 woman who pushed me (rudely) off a subway bench, "Hey, if your ass weren't so BIG then maybe we'd all fit onto this bench!"

This is why I haven't been reading up on pop culture. But I promise to be more diligent in the future. Just don't cross me in the subway.

Happy, not gay

My personal favorite TV housewife (Bree) sets up house or [insert your own lame pun in here.]

http://tv.msn.com/tv/article.aspx?news=199402

Ricky Gervaise: Appallingly Grounded

Though I'm not sure I understand why it is he turned down the Shakespeare.

http://www.nytimes.com/2005/08/19/arts/television/19gerv.html?pagewanted=1&th&emc=th

If you read nothing else, read the last paragraph. I know that whenever I see, read, or hear the word "fish" from now on, I will be unable to not giggle.

Snark Sister

If you are reading this blog and you have not yet watched My Life on the D-List, I don't think you have your priorities straight.

http://www.tvguide.com/News/Insider/2005/0803/02insider.htm

For more fun (and to go buy her latest DVD, of course):

http://www.kathygriffin.net/

Dear Sienna

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/8999114/

Self.

Esteem.

Look it up.

Kisses,

Seren

I've said it once, I'll say it again

They ruined Remington Steele for this?!? (My memory is long and, oh, yes, it is bitter.)

And now, he's out. Was it worth it? Was it worth it, Pierce?

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/8984194/

Admit it

Reading the headline, you thought a hip and a fall were involved.

http://abcnews.go.com/Entertainment/wireStory?id=1042573

So what M&C does is grooming?

If gossip is hygeine, I am squeaky clean.

http://www.nytimes.com/2005/08/16/science/16goss.html?th&emc=th

Also, according to the article, "people devote anywhere from a fifth to two-thirds or more of their daily conversation to gossip." I now feel less bad about what I do with my day.

Go, science!

Should I stay or should I go now?

Booted for aggressive photojournalism from an LA hotspot (Oh, dude, did I just write "hotspot"? Dude, I totally just did.), an acute paparazzo notes: Half of your customers call us, that's the catch.

Dang those celebs and their mixed messages!

http://www.latimes.com/news/local/la-me-paparazzi16aug16,0,2437575.story?track=tothtml

A half-century on the lily pad

Kermey turns 50. Wish Jim were here with you, dude. We miss you, Jim!

http://tv.zap2it.com/tveditorial/tve_main/1,1002,271%7C96873%7C1%7C,00.html

Meh

Do I really need an article telling me that Dashton are still thinking about having children? Do I really need an article telling me that they're dull? I mean, Court TV? Please. But apparently there's some kind of journalistic need being fulfilled, because this "breaking news" is everywhere on the Internets today.

http://www.zap2it.com/movies/news/story/0,1259,---26531,00.html

Did you SEE the movie?

Grizzly Man is pretty much a Driver's Ed safety film for those who would frolic with wild bears, but for those who might, you know, miss the whole point of the movie -- there are experts to help us out.

http://www.zap2it.com/movies/news/story/0,1259,---26532,00.html

The best part of Willy Wonka? The preview for this

http://www.nytimes.com/2005/08/14/movies/14solo.html?th&emc=th

Daily Show alum makes good

I admit that I feel some dread at the prospect of every Daily Show correspondent coming out with their own comedy project. It's all a little too SNL, isn't it? Repeat after me: Half-full, half-full, half-full.

http://www.nytimes.com/2005/08/14/arts/television/14rhod.html?pagewanted=1&th&emc=th

See? The Suckiness

Is the box office slump an unofficial nation-wide strike against poor quality films? Say. it. ain't. so.

http://abcnews.go.com/Entertainment/wireStory?id=1029566

Apologies from everyone but the StepBrad

Dang, Jen must have some kind of guilt-inducing field around her. In fact, I feel kind of bad writing this right now.

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/8917727/

http://www.star-ecentral.com/movies/buzz/buzz.asp?file=archives/buzz/2005/8/2EvaLongori&date=8/2/2005

Not that Cambodian citizenships are for sale or anything

Okay, well, they're not cheap anyway -- $1.5 million anyone?

http://movies.msn.com/movies/article.aspx?news=198756

Why I'm Not Blogging

I think I have blogger's malaise. Maybe it's a new strain of the flu that's affected the movie-going public of late.

I mean, I was a little excited when I saw that Holly Hunter is pregnant:

http://www.eonline.com/News/Items/0,1,17076,00.html

I thought to myself, there's got to be something to be sarcastic about here:

http://www.eonline.com/News/Items/0,1,17104,00.html

Or here:

http://www.eonline.com/News/Items/0,1,17098,00.html

I should be excited. Somebody -- okay, not anybody credible, but somebody -- is really getting to the core of the box office decline (I call it the Suckiness):

http://www.zap2it.com/movies/news/story/0,1259,---26481,00.html

But have I been posting about these things? Have I felt that rush to rubberneck and invite all to join me? No, I have not.

Why? I ask myself, why?

I know the answer. You know the answer, if you have the courage to look into your heart.

It's TomKat and the lesson in futility.

I mean, what did all the howling and railing do? Maybe cult conversions have dipped a little as a result, but I doubt it.

And I? I say Uncle.

Angelina Jolie's kid is allegedly calling the StepBrad "Daddy."

http://www.zap2it.com/movies/go?path=/movies/news/story&general_id=26450

Talking about the future of movies -- with an inevitable zinging of Michael Bay

All this dissing of The Island almost makes me want to go see it. And I think I'd be the only one in the theatre, so that'd be nice.

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/8769622/site/newsweek/

What this article gets right:

1) How the experience of going to the theatre is sometimes bigger than the movies themselves.

Exhibit A: The Parkway (http://www.picturepubpizza.com/), where you go for pizza, popcorn, and licker.

Exhibit B: The Grand Lake (http://www.renaissancerialto.com/current/grandlake.htm), where you go to put a few bucks in the pocket of an unrelenting leftist.

Exhibit C: Naz (http://www.naz8.com/), where -- Bollywood, Chaat Cafe, hello?!?

What this article gets wrong:

1) Not one mention of Bollywood. People, catch up!
2) Maybe we should, at some point, mention screenwriters?

More confinement she won't have to take seriously

M. Diddy knows how to work it. I may get all my legal know-how from Law and Order, but I'm pretty sure that most other ex-cons wouldn't be getting just a slap-on-the-wrist three weeks. Then again, most other ex-cons wouldn't be violating the terms of their house arrest to go to yoga.

http://www.chicagotribune.com/business/nyc-mart0804,1,6974229.story?coll=chi-business-hed

My hopes are up. I hate that.

Just read it: get excited about Serenity, get excited about Wonder Woman, sigh and realize how much you miss Buffy and Angel, so much that you get a little bit excited when you see that stupid preview for what will be inevitably a stupid, stupid show with David Boreanaz, and realize that who you really miss, is Joss.

Dang him.

http://www.infocusmag.com/05augustseptember/whedonuncut.htm

Avast, ye copyright-disrespecting scalliwags!

Oh, but wait, the slump is due to pirates, now.

http://abcnews.go.com/Nightline/story?id=986352&page=1

(And not the suckiness of the movies? Really?)

All you need is . . . an enormous wire transfer

Among the articles theorizing about the slump in box office profits is this one, which posits that, through their themes and through their formulaic, unimaginative suckiness, most American movies over the last ten years document how our society is obsessed with little else but money.

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/8715489/

In my mind, then, this somehow fits: "The anthem of the peace movement" -- sold to the highest bidder.

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/8755644/

La-la-la-la -- I can't hear you!

Shut up, Charlie Murphy.

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/8814168/

Tough love. Oh, wait -- no love.

When you talk about a great actor, you're not talking about Tom Cruise.
-- Lauren Bacall

No, really, Lauren, tell us how you really feel.

http://abcnews.go.com/Entertainment/wireStory?id=998781

Zeitgeist

Well, I guess you can be thrilled that you're part of a cultural change by reading this blog.

http://www.latimes.com/news/printedition/opinion/la-op-movies31jul31,0,3758905.story?

Personally, I'd swap all the useless Hollywood trivia in the world for one good, reliably enjoyable movie right about now.

Of course, thanks to Bollywood, I may not have to.

http://www.parineetathefilm.com/

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Wednesday, August 31, 2005