Don't drink the water in Hollywood, unless you want a baby

The stork has been very, very busy lately in celebrity land this week.

"Dharma is having a baby without Greg

Jessica Lynch moves on with her happy, normal life

Felicity is having a baby; who's the daddy, Noel or Ben?

Just another baby to add to this week's news

Those darn acceptance speeches

It was a difficult choice when it came to TV watching last night: 24 or the Golden Globes ? Ultimately, 24 won most of the 8pm-10pm slot, peppered with the Golden Globes during commercials, but the stuff I did see during the Golden Globes were enough to tide me over until next year.

Having been to at least one media awards banquet, I'm hardly the expert, but I do know enough to imagine what the Golden Globes are like: A big excuse to get drunk and say what you dare not say otherwise, with the convenient excuse of hey, it's the Golden Globes! It's GG! We sit at tables full of liquor instead of a stuffy auditorium! Hey, it's supposed to be the informal, let loose awards show!

Yeah. Whatever.

I'm willing to bet one year's salary that it's still a kiss ass fest combined with constipated nerves, complete with the strain of, "Did I come off as funny or as a jerk?" or "Was I too saccharine or insipid or just suave?" Stuff that runs through one's head daily in this business, only on a grander scale with liquor and fancy clothes. I did say once my "devil" wear Armani, only he's not a devil anymore, more mischievous gremlin. A suave gremlin.

Anyway, that said, my three favorite moments of the evening had some nerves, lots of class and a certain, yet respectful "fuck you" that most in the entertainment business would appreciate.

1) America Ferrera wins Best Actress in a Television Musical or Comedy. America experienced her own Betty moment after her teary speech as she stood awkwardly beside Maria Menudo, waiting for Maria to finish her commercial promo. America realized she shouldn't be in line sight of the camera, so she moved, only to have Maria pull her back and ask her a series of stupid questions. Maria is lucky America was nice enough to stop and talk to her. I would've kept walking, and later claiming I didn't know I was supposed to stop! Oopsie! :)

2) Meryl Streep wins Best Actress in a Movie -- Musical or Comedy. To be honest, I enjoy Meryl's work, but I was never one to fawn over her. But last night, with her witty speech and decidedly classy yet "I'm going to do whatever I damn well please" attitude, I became smitten. Smitten!

3) And now for the man whom I really adore: Sacha Baron Cohen. BEST ACCEPTANCE SPEECH EVER! Here's a part of it:

"This movie was a life-changing experience. I saw some amazing, beautiful, invigorating parts of America but I saw some dark parts of America. An ugly side of America, a side of America that rarely sees the light of day. I refer, of course, to the anus and testicles of my co-star, Ken Davitian...

When I was in that scene, and I stared down and saw your two wrinkled Golden Globes on my chin, I thought to myself, I'd better win a bloody award for this.

And then when my 300-pound co-star decided to sit on my face and squeeze the oxygen from my lungs, I was faced with a choice. Death, or to breathe in the air that had been trapped in a small pocket between his buttocks for 30 years. Kenneth, if it was not for that rancid bubble, I would not be here today. Thank you."

Oh my god. How can you not love this man?! 24 may get my heart pounding with its suspense and all that, but the Golden Globes? Serious heart pounding for America, Meryl and darling Sacha.

Again, providing a public service

Look, I know it's ridiculous after not posting anything substantive or new for-freakin'-ever for me to be looking at our stats to see who all's checking in. But sadly, I do.

May I, first, just say thank you to our dear regular readers, select group that you are? In the face of overwhelming evidence to the contrary, you keep stopping by to see if we've bothered to get ticked off or outraged at anything new lately.

Your optimism is enough to bring tears of joy to these jaded eyes of mine -- that is, if I could remember what is this "joy" of which I speak. Is it something like the sensation I feel when I hear that someone has given Donal Logue yet another shot at achieving a popularity akin to his greatness? (Will it ever really happen or must I continue to scour YouTube for old clips of Jimmy the Cabbie for eternity?)

And, that is, if I hadn't already cried the last tear in my ducts over losing Britney to Paris.

But mostly checking the stats reminds me of how random folks sometimes get here, too. And a lot of them get here by searching Google for the phrase "what does catty mean."

If I wasn't previously appalled at the state of education today, I am now.

If people don't know what catty means, they're unlikely to recognize the phenomenon in the wild. And if they can't spot cattiness, how can they learn to be catty themselves? What this means is that there are people out there who, every day, live their lives ... wishing well on their fellow human beings. I know. I can hardly stand it.

So, while I think you might be able to derive a definition by perusing this site (catty has something to do with knowing everything and being right all the time, hello), I'd like to point all you lost little sheep to the following:

What catty means at Dictionary.com.

Learn; grow; reeeeerrrr.