Too close, too close!

You know how you feel when you've missed a near-catastrophe? This morning I got in a minor altercation with a fellow driver who decided to flip a U right in front of me on a narrow residential street and who then, when I honked in "Hello?!? Someone freakin' behind you here!" exasperation, flipped the bird at me. Mostly, I found myself giggling as I flipped it right back -- because, seriously, two white chicks in tiny cars flipping each other off? Priceless, really. But as I drove along, it eventually occurred to me that maybe that was a little stupid on my part to honk and return gesture so vehemently. If one of us had a gun, we'd really just have been thatclose to being an item on the evening news. So, watch it, Seren. You've got to be more careful, I said.

And then I saw this: Tom Cruise was in Sunnyvale, CA, on Tuesday. Sunnyvale? Sunnyvale is right across the Bay from here. I still buy my shampoo in Sunnyvale, at the discount drug store next to the haunted Toys 'R Us. Freakin' Sunnyvale?!? That, my friends, is too close a call.

His molecules were way too close to my molecules. My molecules are reacting in violent revulsion. Ew.

Tom was in town at the invite of Yahoo! (which, Yahoo!, why? Do I have to completely switch over to Gmail now and never read Yahoo! entertainment news, because you are now tainted?). There was a stage involved, on which Tom allegedly displayed such a keen sense of humor as to perform an ironic, self-mocking chair jumping. O, ha, ha! O, what goodwill he accrued! And then rapidly spent. Because you know he then had to drag Katie out on stage and fondle her stomach in this way -- this -- way -- I can't describe this way except to say, go look at the picture. He loves her, really, he does. He doesn't just love her as a womb or an alibi or an actress, certainly not as an actress, since she isn't one any more since she met him, or wait, I may be forced to concede she's the best actress ever, because she's smiling in this picture. And I have to look away.

The whole sordid event will be covered on tonight's Inside Edition. You could always tune in, I guess. I warn you -- I'm sure it's not for the faint of heart. Or stomach.