Gee, Shonda, could the theme be ... time? (Part 1)

To celebrate the opening of the TV season, we here at M&C decided to assign our entire staff to covering the Grey's Anatomy season premiere. Thanks to a little judicious DVRing on the East Coast (combined with a good deal of self-control on MeiMei's part, and a well-timed nap), we are able to bring you breathless-second-by-breathless-second commentary -- in stereo.

Spoilers below. Not many, unless finding out that Callie gets 80% of the awesome one-liners ruins the mystery of the episode for you. But still.

One hour before showtime

MeiMeiLn: You'll never guess who I keep seeing everywhere. Everywhere.

Seren: Elvis.

MeiMeiLn: Mat Kearney.

Seren: No freakin' way.

MeiMeiLn: Yes, here and here and here and here.

Seren: Oh, and here.

And . . . the curtain rises.

9:02 pm PST/12:02am EST
Seren: Well, of course it's George who goes in. I love George.
MeiMei: His hair looks so good. And hee hee: Meredith the prez of people with crappy lives. Hee hee. The way her friends looked at her like she was crazy and the way she looked knowing that she was is so familiar to me--I totally identify with that. Oh my god. Did I just say I identified with Meredith?


9:04 pm PST / 12:04am EST
Bailey (over Denny's body): I'm sorry, I'm so sorry.
Seren: And now I'm crying. Four minutes in.
MeiMei: I hate that I'm teary.

9:05 pm PST
Christina to Meredith: Oh, what did you do now?
Seren: And there's my first cackle of the season.

9:06 pm PST/12:06am EST Commercial break
Seren: What happened to McMeltyFace? She looks even worse than last season.
MeiMei: She lost ten more pounds. Even her hair, which I love, looks gross.
Seren: Does that explain the old skin, too? I think we need Madrid to make the call on the BMIs of American television actresses, too.

9:11 pm PST
Christina: All McGuilty . . .
Seren: How much do I love Sandra Oh? I am of the Church of Oh.

12:11amEST
Alex working on the dumpster baby...
MeiMeiLn: That's a great mechanical baby. Much better than what we use at work.

12:12am EST
MeiMei: The use of the ticking timer is already tedious and it's only twelve minutes into the show!!!

9:13 pm PST / 12:13am EST
Seren: Those are some creepy Village of the Damned Catholic school girls, all dead on the inside, plaid on the outside.
MeiMei: They look way younger than fourteen. In the game of Who's My Mommy?, my bet is on little four-eyes. It's the glasses. Dead giveaway. It's always the homely looking one who has the darkest secrets. (JUST KIDDING!)

9:14 pm PST
Seren: The baby belongs to the silent one.

9:15 pm PST / 12:15am EST
Quaranting guy extra workin' his ten seconds of screen time like the rent is due: "You two are quarantined."
Seren: Two may enter, but only one leaves. My money's on George.
MeiMei: How frickin' convenient that George and McDreamy are thrown together. Shonda, have you ever heard of subtly crafting a plot moment? What's that? Oh, I didn't hear you.

9:16 pm PST/12:16am EST Commercial break
Seren: I can't help it -- Open Season looks good.
MeiMei: Doesn't George's hair look significantly better?
Seren: Good call.

9:18 pm PST
Seren: Why is Richard avoiding his wife?

12:20am EST
MeiMei: I love Callie. I love how awkward yet determined she is. I love that she OUTSHINES Meredith.

9:21 pm PST / 12:21am EST
Christina: No clean clothes.
Seren dabs her eyes.
MeiMei: (REFUSING TO BE EMOTIONALLY MANIPULATED BY THIS SHOW AND BLINKING RAPIDLY LEAST SOMETHING LEAK OUT OF HER EYES) There's something so appealing about Izzy on the floor and how her friends lie on the floor with her. It's visually arresting and also gives the actors a freebie, meaning it automatically establishes a sense of despair even before the actors have to act. (Yeah, you heard me, Pompeo. I mean you.)

9:23 pm PST /12:23am EST
Seren: Man, they're making me like Addison.
MeiMei: Finally, we see the moment when the Montgomery/Shepard marriage fell apart. Interesting choice of the costume department to put Addison in nothing but panties and a black t-shirt. Why do I have more sympathy for Addison than Derek right now? And seriously, how gorgeous is their NYC brownstone? Ugh, I hate this show...hate how Seattle looks so smart and stylish and how NYC looks so sleek and modern. I've lived in both those places and they're NOTHING like that.

9:25 pm PST
Seren: Now that you mention it -- the sound of ticking is oppressive.

9:29 pm PST Commercial break /12:29am EST
Seren: Do there seem to be more commercials than usual?
MeiMei: Yeah, like, every two minutes.
Seren: I just can't be happy about Callista Flockhart returning to television. I can't.

9:30 pm PST /12:30am EST
Seren: Hey -- "Gone Daddy Gone" -- I call continuity error! Oh, wait. Not the Gnarls Barkley version. The original. God, I love the Femmes. But also, by all that is holy, what is up with the ticking?
MeiMei: Poor George. I would seriously so dump Meredith as a friend if I were him.