Why Superman is going to suuuuuuck

1) Bryan Singer is a whore.

Bryan Singer had a steady thing going with his X-Men audience -- and, we thought, with the X-Men. He rewarded us with two outstanding movies; we rewarded him with increasing returns at the box office. Around my house, we used to insist that his name be said reverently, sotto voce, Bryan Singer, the way you might announce the pope.

But Superman bats his long black eyelashes at him -- and off Bryan goes.

And I say to you, the man who would abandon us to Brett Ratner on a movie in which (SPOILER ALERT!) Magneto, Mystique, and Rogue get de-mutantized, Jean Grey kills Cyclops and Charles Xavier, and Wolverine, with his emote level set at Absolutely Stunning, must kill Jean?!? -- that man is no friend.

How could he leave us, you ask? Fine, he's greedy, he's restless, he has some outsized respect for the Man of Steel, blah, blah, blah. But how could he leave the X-Men? How could he leave that narrative, knowing where it was going? What kind of integrity is it to maneuver your characters into a harrowing wasteland of a plot -- and then walk away?

Dear Bryan: Dead to me. XO, Seren.

2) Two words: Mis. Casting.

A little birdy tells me that cardboard cutout Brandon Routh cannot act in any sense of the word. Rumors aside, you can see it for yourself. As Pari's S.O. whispered to us in a dark theatre: His facial expression didn't change once through that whole preview. Let me put it this way: the dog I grew up with had more gravitas and pathos when we dressed him in a t-shirt and made him stand on his hind legs and walk.

Kate Bosworth as Lois Lane?!? You're telling me that one of the few really gutsy, quirky, independent, and charismatic women in the comic book universe, one of the few characters that little girls can choose to be when playing superheroes, is going to be portrayed by someone who didn't even have enough spunk to keep her own nose? I weep.

And what about Kevin Spacey as Lex Luthor, you say? A good decade of bloat and what-were-you-thinkin-there-Kev roles have done their damage. I'm willing to wager that Kevin may redeem himself slightly, but the entire movie? No. There is only one character actor currently capable of redeeming an entire movie simply by his appearance in it, and he was too busy buttressing the entirety of The DaVinci Code with his charm and wickedly, wryly mouthing bad one-liners in the Ratner-wreck of X-Men 3. I guess even Sir Ian McKellan has to sleep once in a while. More is the pity.

3) Superman Returns does not get credit for the reflected glory of Batman Begins.

Firstly, when you say Superman Returns is going to be like Batman Begins, do you mean it's going to recycle hackneyed Orientalism generally (at what point is or has Liam Neeson ever been Tibetan?) and the entire plot of The Shadow specifically?

Secondly, logic, people: Neither Christian Bale nor Christopher Nolan are anywhere near this movie.

Thirdly, I ask you to consider this conspiracy theory: Katie Holmes on the set one day looks around at the exploding chaos, counts her six lines, and realizes that this is all Hollywood has in store for her. And then she goes and MARRIES TOM CRUISE. Now ask yourself if you want to support a movie that has that kind of repercussions?

I rest my case.

P.S. When all y'all see Superman Returns and you really like it a lot and as the credits roll, you find yourself saying, "That bitch Seren," what you should be doing is thanking me for calibrating your expectations so that, as the credits roll, you don't find yourself saying, "That bitch Singer." So, for that moment after the popcorn tub has emptied, I say: You're welcome.