And breathe. And breathe.

I'll let you imagine the moment of sheer panic when I saw this headline: Gyllenhaal, Sarsgaard Engaged.

While a roar filled my ears and the moon rose blood red and the earth reversed on its axis and wild dogs brayed, I frantically fingered through the Rolodex of Insignificant Starlets in my mind to see if I could remember which coke-snorting anorexic had the last name Sarsgaard who could possibly be marrying MY Jake.

Am I, I whispered, being Minnie-Drivered here?

But then the fog cleared. There is no starlet named Saarsgard, not unless Peter's been dressing up on the weekends, which, if he has, more power to him and could he or could he not knock it out of the park as the next Bond girl?

Jake's sister, Maggie Gyllenhaal, and actor Peter Sarsgaard are engaged. Everybody go, Awwww, now, and wish them the serious luck, because nobody wants to see them on the next Fox special When Actors Marry.

Also, I'd just like to put in a personal request that she please hyphenate, because -- Gyllenhaal-Sarsgaard. And now keep a straight face.